jpg, you loser jpg, you

begging is such a SYFD thing to do!

twolegged population: 6,211,874,035 (on 3/16/02 at 17:21:08 GMT)

enhoffer population: undocumented!

da coffin's got your measurements, tentboy


I know you envy me for being a corn pone.

This morning we went out to lift our legs, then we watched the corn grow.

And what to our wandering eyes should appear? BAMBI!

The spotted kind. Right up to the fence staring at us. So Merlin, given his superior American Mutt Mix intelligence said "be very quiet. Tender, fresh dripping deer arse". So we waited like canid lawn ornaments. Bambi tried to jump the fence into our pavlovian jowls - YES!

Then bigfat comes out yelling "come and get your diamond in the green bag boys".

by bruno pinktutu

Lulu: Explorer Bitch

Hi Ya'll - LuLu the Explorer Bitch Here!

Ferki took me campin' dis weekend. (as you all know) We had lotsa fun. There wuz a show at the campground (or vice versa, I think), but I had no time for that. The ground smelled sooooo good! Even the judge commented on how good I wuz at sniffin' the dirt. I sniffed when I ran, I sniffed when I stood still, Hell! I sniffed every inch of that ring.... Yeah!

I didn't have to git any stupid ribbons or my picture taken or nuffin! This seems to have upset Ferki though... Next time, the judge said she should put some VICK's on my nose. This sounds like fun... I don't know anydogs named Vick but what-the-hell.

After the show on Friday, the sky FELL down on us for a while... I mostly slept, badbrindle kinda tried to run around in circles in the bigtanbox. She is weird. We got to goof off at night when everyone was sleepin'. That wuz fun too! Ice cubees wuz falling on the ground. They tasted good, but Ferki didn't care for them too much. Sumtin' about them being able to break the windsheild or sumtin. Then lotsa big lighting bolts fell outta the sky. This upset bikerbitch she wuz runnin' around in circles too. Like mommie like puppy I guess.

Banner stopped by to visit, he smelled good. I sniffed him for a while too. Except when Ferki kinda grabbed him away for a while. Then he got to sniff me! I don't know what was really going on but he started to dance for a little while and then he walked around kinda funny for a while and then he just kinda laid their and panted for a while.

I found this very STRANGE. Everyone got all weird about this.... Bikerbitch wuz takin pitchers, Ferki wuz all upset that banner wuz dancin' around so much he shot her in her EYE.... Ferki had to wash her face and shout out a string of obscenities. All I can say is BAD BANNER! Stay out of Ferki's eye!

Anyway, I likes goin' campin! If Vick will join us next time... Ferki says we is gonna go to Oh-way-go next time. Cool.

Ferki is gonna be a 'puter hog till Thursday... So I will talk to you dogs in a few days.... Ferki will have her pitchers by then! ;-)

by Moonhill LuLu
Eat Your Heart Out!

a day in the life

I's roasting here today. It's finally cooled down to 85 degrees in da shade. I ain't moving da thermo-meter out into da sun to find out how hot it is dere.

It's so hot & muggy, my balls is dragging behind meeeeee. (Want a new pic Bwuno?)

Cookie is starting to smell good.

I's still eating... but I's keepin' an eye on her. A little sniff and a nudge every now and den.

SillyYellowFetching dog has been in da pond, but it's too far of a walk for us wastiffs.

Yesterday in da heat daddy FINALLY hooked up da ice maker in da fridge (4 days shy of a year since we've been here, no hurry megalo - you freakin' bastard) so we's got ice cubies floating in our water bowl today and a few here and dere to crunch on.

Sweet, adorable Lulu thought it would be a neat trick to chew off da water line dat feeds da water to da ice box door. So now when we push da lever water squirts us on our toeses instead of our noses. Ferki is gonna call Amana and try and get a new one. Megalo would try to fix it himself but somehow it would involve a big block chevy motor and 60 feet of copper tubing.

My bitches are all stretched out all over da place. Cookie's sitting in da kitchen wiff her butt firmly planted in da corner for some reason. As soon as she stands up I'll try to wear her like a hat again.

by loki schramm

badpoo in repose

what? you think only leg deficients can be people? while it's true only twoleggeds or plegics can be human, i believe my fourleggedness doesn't exclude me from personhood. you'll notice the lesser definitions of "people" do NOT stipulate being human but rather having personage. which i do.

pointed out and titled by moonhill daisy

shoe report

I goed TO da shoe today but I didn't go IN da shoe. I was acting too sneaky/scaredycatty and mommycarrie didn't want to risk me growlin at da judge an gettin kickedoutforever or sumpin, so we stayed outta da ring.

instead I walked around all all all day eatin frenchiefries an hamburglers an hotdoggies an livers an pupperonis an sausages an an an.... oh doG I musta gained 10 poundages today.... so anyways I is happy to report dat 2leggeds aren't so scary as long as dey is armed wif yummies. I walked right up to everbuddy to git food. And once a man was talkin to mommy an just reached over an petted me and I didn't even care and then I realized, OH, I forgot I was scared! so then I was scared again.

after da shoe mommy took me to see da ladyjudge we were s'pose ta shoe to. da ladyjudge gived me food and touched me all over an told mommycarrie she completely understands what I is going thru, an bring me backplease when I is not scared because I is SO hansum. Ladyjudge told me "Remember my smell, puppy, cuz you'll see me aginn."

so... what else... oh! I got filmed by telly-vision camera guys. don't know if I'll make da news or not though. Oh! and a 2 1/2 pound Yorkiebitch sat on my head. (Jealous, badpoo??)

Oh! (long day today...) mommycarrie got best veteran and bestofoppositesex wif a WUT-DA-FUH-IZ-DAT dog... looks like a dirty mop to me, see pic attached. It was funny when mommycarrie made a funnyface and said "Do I hafta TOUCH him???" But den she ended up pettin' and lovin' him almost as bad as Docholiday. Yuck.

So... dat was my long day at da shoe.

by banner pucetutu

After this I looked, and the door was opened... and the first voice I heard was as it were a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will show you the things which must be hereafter.
2 And immediately I smelled the spirits, and, behold, the thrown was set, and Megalo sat on the thrown.
3 And he that sat was to look upon the wastiffs, and there were rainbow vapors around the throne, in sight like unto an emerald.
4 And around about the throne were four wastiffs
5 And around the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices, and there were 7 lamps of fire burning before the throne
6 And around the throne. were four beasts full of eyes before and behind
9 And when those beasts give glory and honor and thanks to him that sat on the throne
10 The four fall down before him that sat on the throne
11 And Megalo pronounce that the wheat bran was good. And he knew, owning mastiffs, that he would never go to the bathroom alone again.

-From the Book of Loki; Revoltings, chapter 4

"For the sound of squealing ribbonhog wheels was heavy on this day."
-From the Book of Loki; Chapter 9, verse 12

"And the judge looked upon the Megalo up & back and saw that it was good."
-From the Book of Loki; Chapter 31, verse 2

bruno's friday

Yesterday my Ps was walkin down da fence line while me and Rhettboy was nearby in da woods sniffin hog holes. When da Becker, I call them Pecker but Becker is their reel names, dogs came runnin out tryin to scare my Ps.

Well me and Rhettboy wasn't in no tuff guard doG mode, we was just doin a dum slow hickerbilly mozey-on-over-there walk. HA HA HA HA did that wussy pack of 2 labs and a germ man run like hell to their house when they saw us! HA! wussys like badpoo, tuff stuff til them meet da noblest of da family.

Then the Peckers was tryin to tell us that they was NOT NOT runnin in fear, they just noticed it was us Sisu pack in r own yard mindin r own bizness so they was just comin over to tell us to stay on r own side. They is as full of manure as badpoo.

When we got home, right by da back gate - Merlin found a hog leg, just da leg. He didn't let me have a bite tho, he snarled at me and I don't fight wiff pack like stupid Loki. You never know when a tuff farm guard wastiff will need reinforcements so I don't fight wiff pack. No infighting. So somewheres out on Sisu is a 3legger hog, he is gonna be easy to catch.

by Bruno, tuff guard wastiff

wastiff cloning

sigh. yet another atrocity springs from the fertile minds of twoleggeds in their assault against the murf murf's noble breed. no altruistic intent here, but rather a means of insuring twoleggeds can have exactly what they want and cementing enhoffers' status as enslaved commodities. no longer will the wastiff be trusted to produce in kind with natural variations on their theme; no more humping, jolly rogering, SEX SEX SEX, etc.  isn't it bad enough penile penetration has been reduced via unnatural injection methods involving syringes? the time to kill all the twoleggeds is long overdue.

by smurf en hoffer

we're on the menu
  • china
  • korea
  • vietnam
  • the philipines
  • thailand

few twoleggeds
  • greenland
  • antarctica
  • north pole
  • brigitte bardot
  • the dump

just because
  • canada
  • amerika
  • jolly olde
  • malta
  • france

LuLu's Saturday

The Saturday show wuz most fun... As reported, I did purdy good. However.

Ferki and I left the show ring and went to the big tan box... Ferki turned on my special air blowing holes and realized I had notnotnot had any water.

Sooooooo, away she went wiff the door clickin' thing. She left the box runnin' so my air holes would keepkeepkeep blowin'. I started to nap.

Ferki came back to the van wiff some icycoldwater. Mmmmm.

One problem. (if you can't see where this is goin')

Ferki can notnotnot get the clickin' thing to work. Oooops. She looked very native dancing around the van, clicking high and low, throwing the stoopid thing to the ground repeatedly. Hahahahaha.

Then, a couple of nice folks came by and tried to help... I guess they were changing batteries, etc. But nope, no good.

One lady offered to wedge a pooper scoop under the window. But Ferki said "Thanks anyway... Hahaha" and walked to find a wire hanger. When she got back to the van, I had been watching the pooper scoop woman for about 5 minutes trying to jam the scoop into the window. She was funny.

But Ferki was not laughing. She was yelling at the woman to PLEASE STOP. And sumtin' like... "Your denting my Van!" "Oh doG lady, why are you doing this?, I said thank you anyway... That means Don't Do It, What didn't you understand." "Please go away now, you've taken the paint off my van and dented it. Why would you do that, are you Stooopid!?"

At that point, the lady turned and looked at Ferki, and it seems Ferki then noticed what I already knew... The lady was slightly retarded. (no joke).

In a slurred voice the woman kept repeating "Sorry, Sorry" and "I almost had it you know." . Realizing then that she had done something wrong, she literally RAN away through the parked cars. ???? Curious.

Ferki kept saying Megalo's gonna kill me! But, after 15 minutes or so, she showed me her "City Skills" and got into the van with a hanger. (Electric locks and all.)

Alright wastiffs, What the hell are we gonna do wiff her???? It's obvious that I can no longer take her anywhere.

(Editor's Note: About 4:30 that afternoon, the clicker just spontaneously began working again. Hahaha. That must be MurfMurf's Law.)

by Moonhill LuLu

Eat Your Heart Out!