i am


in the beginning, there was me, badpoodle. i didn't like you; i didn't have to. in the now, there is me, badpoodle. i don't like you; i don't have to. in the end, there will be me, badpoodle. i won't like you; i won't have to.

from whence such badness? the great state of mizery, of course, where i sprang from the enslaved loins of Little Miss Mischiefmaker (i kid you not; that's my actual mother's actual name) and was immediately consigned to the poodle slave trade. i eventually ended up in a pet store where i spent several humiliating weeks in the demanding front window spot with a hideous boston bulldog. my only joy was dominating him physically and gloating that all the cries of "how cute!" were about me.

my tenure as a performer came to an end one fateful winter day when the evil troll july caught glimpse of me. she started squealing and carrying on like darkmummy about me being the cutest thing she had ever seen and how she had allllllllllways wanted a poodledog. in that he was getting laid and wanted to continue in that vein, hairy proceeded to buy me for evil. from that day forth, she has catered to and cultivated my badness. i walk on the ground she worships; i am...badpoodle.

for those under 8: there is no santa claus. there is no easter bunny. the tooth fairy is one or more of your parental units. your teacher hates you. there's a goblin under your bed who wants to stick pins in your eyes. life sucks, and then you die.

a special note to banner pucetutu: you're a wuss, carrietwo doesn't love you, and you never know when a show judge is gonna twist your testiculars off.

regarding dwarf marge: we don't like her; we don't have to.

siblings: claire & terry; steve & wendy; evil & hairy.

note to dennis miller: plegic, as in paraplegic, quadriplegic, neuroplegic, has only 2 syllables. please be a tad embarrassed that you pronounced it puhleegic on your 07-19-02 show. i wouldn't mention it except you're such a word snob.

roseanne barr's new salsa burned auntie's auntie betty's mouth. having roseanne herself on site was no great shakes.


how many mastiffs does it take to change a light bulb?
none. mastiffs can't tell light from dark.

why did the mastiff cross the road?
he forgot.

what's black and white and red all over?
a newspaper splattered with the blood of a mastiff being eaten from the ankles up by a poodle.

paul mccartney

how can anyone who wrote the words "the world in which we live in" be allowed to live? other paul ditties that make me want to vomit are Coming Up, My Love, Silly Love Songs, Listen to What the Man Says, The Girl Is Mine, Ebony and Ivory, and a whole lot of other ones that i'm too nauseated to think about.

fast food

why do the twoleggeds who work at various wendy's locations around ithaker wear the same pair of plastic gloves to touch food and handle cash dollars? wouldn't they achieve the same end without the gloves?

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words of wisdom from auntie celestial: if you have dogs, keep 4 cheap, back-up vacuums in the basement at all times. you'll soon be calling it your celestial army

what is realty?
twoleggeds selling dirt.
and no good well in sight...badpoodle!!!
(thanks to The Well Doc for channeling)

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neo bella!

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